Fawning: The Trauma Response We Don’t Talk About Enough
When I first started learning about trauma responses, I thought I had a pretty solid handle on them. Fight, flight, freeze—those were the big three everyone talked about. I could spot them in clients, I could recognize them in myself. It felt straightforward.
But there’s another trauma response that doesn’t get nearly enough attention, and it tends to fly under the radar because on the surface, it can look a lot like being “nice” or “easygoing.”
It’s called fawning.
And even as a therapist, it took me years to realize just how much it had shaped the way I moved through the world.
What Is Fawning, Really?
Fawning is essentially a survival strategy rooted in people-pleasing, appeasing, and self-abandoning in order to stay safe in relationships or avoid conflict. It’s the trauma response that says, “If I can keep everyone else happy, maybe I’ll be okay too.”
It can look like:
Always agreeing with others to avoid tension.
Saying “yes” when you desperately want to say “no.”
Over-apologizing, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
Reading people’s moods like a hawk so you can adjust yourself accordingly.
Putting other people’s needs above your own—always.
For a long time, I thought I was just being flexible or thoughtful. I was “chill.” I was the person who went along with whatever made things easier. But underneath that, I was constantly managing the emotional climate around me to make sure I didn’t trigger disapproval, anger, or conflict.
That wasn’t me being laid-back. That was fawning.
Where Does It Come From?
Fawning develops in environments where connection and safety feel conditional. For many of us, that started in childhood. If you had a parent who was emotionally unpredictable, critical, or distant, you may have learned to shape-shift into whatever version of yourself would keep the peace or get you the smallest scrap of affection.
Fawning isn’t something we choose—it’s how our nervous systems adapt to help us survive. When fight or flight isn’t an option (especially for children), appeasing becomes the path of least resistance.
And the tricky part? It works. It keeps things calm. It does get you approval—at least on the surface.
But over time, it also teaches you that your needs, wants, and boundaries are less important than keeping other people comfortable. And that can leave you feeling disconnected from yourself, exhausted, and resentful—even if you can’t quite name why.
How to Know If You’re Fawning
Some signs of the fawn response include:
Avoiding conflict at all costs, even small disagreements.
Feeling guilty for having needs or setting boundaries.
Being hyper-aware of others’ moods and adjusting yourself to accommodate them.
Feeling anxious when someone is upset with you—even when it’s not your fault.
Feeling like you don’t really know what you want, because you’re so used to focusing on others.
If any of this sounds like you, I want to say: you’re not alone. This is a deeply human, incredibly common response. And it doesn’t mean you’re weak, or broken, or incapable of healthy relationships. It just means your body and mind did what they had to do to stay safe.
What Healing Can Look Like
The first step toward healing from fawning is recognizing it. And I’ll be real with you—it’s not always easy. When your safety has been tied to keeping others happy, starting to choose yourself can feel uncomfortable, even terrifying at first.
Here are some things that have helped me and many of my clients:
Name it when it’s happening. Just saying, “Oh, I’m fawning right now” can create a little space between the behavior and your identity.
Start small with boundaries. You don’t have to start with a dramatic “no”—try, “Let me get back to you” or “I need a minute to think about it.”
Reconnect with yourself. Ask: What do I feel? What do I need? What do I want right now? Those questions may feel unfamiliar at first, but they’re powerful.
Sit with discomfort. Disappointing someone, setting a boundary, or speaking your truth may feel risky—but it’s also the way back to yourself.
Healing the fawn response doesn’t mean you stop being kind, generous, or thoughtful. It means you stop abandoning yourself in the process. It means you start believing that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.
If this resonates with you, know this: you’re not alone. Fawning may have been your survival tool, but it doesn’t have to be your forever pattern.
You get to take up space. You get to say no. You get to be real.
And that, my friend, is where the real healing begins.
