You Don’t Have to Have It All Figured Out by 30 (or Ever, Really)

Let’s talk about the boxes.

You know the ones I mean. The “adulthood checklist” we’re all handed—somewhere between college and our late 20s—and told to start checking off like our happiness depends on it.

✅ Get the degree
✅ Land the job
✅ Fall in love (but not too early, and definitely don’t settle)
✅ Get married
✅ Have kids
✅ Work out, stay chill, read smart books, cook organic meals, be successful but not intimidating, be nurturing but independent, stay close to your friends but never clingy...

And do it all by 30. Or 35 at the latest. (No pressure, right?)

Here’s the truth: That list isn’t yours. Or at least, it doesn’t have to be.

So many women I work with—especially Gen Z and Millennials—feel like they’re failing at life because they’re not checking every box. They’re burnt out, comparing themselves constantly, and wondering if they’ve somehow missed the memo on how to be a “real adult.”

But I want to tell you something both as a therapist and as a human who has absolutely flubbed up majorly—like “divorced, nearly changed careers, and questioned my entire identity” kind of flubbed up:

You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You are not alone.

We’re all figuring this out as we go. Even the ones who look like they’ve got it all together (especially them, actually).

So let’s drop the idea that adulthood is a race with a finish line and talk about what actually matters: living a life that reflects your values.

Structure Your Life Around What You Actually Care About

Not what Instagram says. Not what your family expects. Not what your group chat is doing.

Ask yourself: What do I actually value?

Maybe it’s connection. Maybe it’s creativity, peace, adventure, growth, fun, freedom, nature, honesty. Once you name those values, start looking at how you spend your time.

Because your day—the little pockets of time between the meetings, the scrolling, the errands—is your life.

Are your minutes matching your values?

For example, if you value calm but your calendar is packed with back-to-back obligations, there’s a disconnect. Or if you value connection but you leave every hangout feeling unseen because everyone’s glued to their Apple Watches, maybe it’s time to gently shift who you give your energy to.

Boundaries Are Not Mean

They’re love. For yourself.

Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out—it’s about saying, “Here’s how I can show up in the healthiest way.”

That might mean not answering emails after 6 p.m., or saying no to another weekend plan so you can recharge. It might mean unfollowing accounts that make you feel like you’re not enough. It might mean protecting your mornings for quiet time or your nights for sleep.

And the hard part? Sticking to them. Especially when people push back. But I promise: every time you honor a boundary, you reinforce to yourself that you matter.

Heal the Old Beliefs That Keep You Stuck

A lot of the pressure you feel isn’t coming from the present moment—it’s coming from old stories you’ve carried for years. Maybe even since childhood.

Stories like:
“I have to earn love by achieving.”
“If I’m not productive, I’m lazy.”
“I’m only valuable if I’m needed.”
“I can’t rest unless everything is done.”

These core beliefs shape how we move through the world—until we decide to question them.

Start noticing them. Challenge them. Talk about them in therapy. Rewrite the ones that no longer serve you. The inner child in you deserves that freedom.

Find Joy Again (And Maybe That Means Coloring or Digging in the Dirt for a While)

One of the most healing questions you can ask yourself is: What would 8-year-old me be excited about?

That version of you—before all the pressure, before the to-do lists—still lives inside you. And she probably misses doing things just for fun.

So try something silly or new. Join a dance class. Start gardening. Take a karate lesson. Sit outside without a phone. Put screentime limits on your apps. Make space to play again.

Balance isn’t about doing everything—it’s about doing your things, with intention.

Baby Steps Are Still Steps

Please hear this: Progress doesn’t have to look like overhauling your entire life overnight. Maybe your “win” this week is saying no to one plan. Or journaling once. Or walking outside for 10 minutes without your phone.

That matters. Give yourself credit.

You’re not lazy or unmotivated—you’re human. Living in a world that constantly tells you to do more, be more, achieve more. It takes real strength to pause and say: Is this even what I want?

Stay Connected to the People Who See You

You deserve relationships where people look up when you’re speaking. Where you feel heard, not just replied to. Where you can be messy, complicated, growing—and still loved.

Seek out those connections. Nurture them. Be that kind of friend in return. We don’t heal in isolation. We heal in community.

From One Messy, Healing Human to Another

Like I said earlier—I’m in this too.

I’ve had seasons where I doubted everything. Where I was the therapist who could barely therapist. Where I thought about walking away from everything I’d built. I’ve stumbled. Hard.

If my close friends were reading this—and if there was a comment section—they’d be chiming in with a resounding, “Yep, she’s right.” They’ve seen the messy. Like, very very dumpster messy version of me. It took a while to untangle. It wasn’t graceful. But it was real. And healing usually is.

But I’ve also rebuilt. Realigned. Regrown. And you can too.

There’s no right timeline. There’s no universal “right way.” There’s just your way. And it’s worth following.

So start small. Stay curious. Give yourself grace. And when it all feels too heavy, come back to this:
What would your future self thank you for?
What would your younger self be proud of?

Start there. You got this.